Little Brother

Little brother, I still don't know why God took you.  Maybe that is never for me to know.  I'm not sure it'll be revealed to me in heaven, either.  You tried to exit this world several times.  Yes, I remember.  You took all those pills and, after recovering, said you would never do anything like it again.  You took my truck in the middle of the night and drove it into a rail.  I'm sure there were other times that I don't know about.  You tried again and again, but God kept you around a little longer.  Was that so we could get a little extra time with you? Was it a missed opportunity for me to reach out despite your bellicosity and continue sharing my faith?

You were unhappy, I know.  It was so very obvious.  You confronted frustration after frustration, and nothing ever seemed to go right.  Your friends came and went; you hated going to school; you were traumatized after getting jumped; those girls broke your heart; you didn't get along with your family all the time.  You were overwhelmed.  If Christ hadn't changed my life, I am fairly certain I would have done the same thing.  Heck, even as a Christian I have moments of similar dark thoughts.

We live a sin-stained life in a sin-stained world.  People fail us constantly, and it is so hard to take.  I'm sorry that I failed you by not being more available to you.  I was in my own world, guilty of the very wrong I highlighted in the science fiction story "Reversion" I wrote six years ago.  Each of us is in his own bubble, busy with his own thoughts, tempted to separate from community and not willing to get involved in others' struggles.  I should have left my bubble and shown you more kindness and attention.

But my hope is that God showed you the kindness and attention that I did not.  I believe that He had mercy on you, for you knew not what you were doing.  You were young and had hundreds of discouraging thoughts dancing in your mind.

I don't know if I ever told you this, but the first time I held you in my arms after you were born, I was so excited that I went straight home from the hospital and wrote a story about you.  You were a hero who went on adventures and "saved the day." Just like Luke Skywalker....That was where you got your name, after all.

I love you, little brother.  And I will keep believing that I will see you again.